In a scandal that shocked Whitman administration but didn’t surprise a single Whitman student, the student pictured in a recent “Most Whitties Don’t Drink” campaign poster drinks. A lot. Like, I mean a shitload.
Junior Eric Uncle is featured prominently in the signs that cover Whitman campus, which claim that around 80 percent of Whitties don’t drink more than one drink on the weekends. Unfortunately, Whitman chose the wrong student to represent that group.
“I wasn’t even aware normal coffee doesn’t have whiskey in it until I went to Starbucks and got inexplicably sober,” said Uncle, slurring his words. “Luckily that only lasted like 10 minutes because I brought an extra flask of the good shit.”
When questioned by The Missionary, the administration claimed they didn’t know Uncle was a fiending alcoholic when they took his photo.
“He kept taking sips out of a red Solo cup, and he kept asking us for the TKE, Beta, Sig or Phi kitchen keys. He said it really didn’t matter which one. But I was pretty convinced that Whitties straight up don’t drink, so I didn’t really know what to make of it,” said Dean of Students Kevan Truss Teepleaser.
For the first half of his interview, Uncle was unresponsive to our questions. He could only mutter the words, “nines, nines, nines, nines na nines” to himself in the melody of the Imperial March. [Editors Note: We think this is some sort of drinking game, although the rules seemed overly complex, and no one could actually understand what Uncle was saying.]
After we offered him a bottle of our finest Pinot Noir, Uncle began to open up about the morning of the photo shoot.
“They’d have to be idiots not to know. I’m pretty sure I was shitfaced when they took the photo. I don’t really remember taking the photo, actually. So yeah, I was druuuunk,” he said, seemingly about to fall out of his chair.
The scandal was discovered on the first day the posters went up, when a resident adviser in the Sober Living Hall Janice Manice saw the photo and noticed an unmarked flask in Uncle’s back pocket, vomit splatters on his shirt and a cigarette behind his ear.
“I’ve seen people smoke crack in a TV show, and it’s not a laughing matter. When you smoke and drink at the same time, you end up vomiting alcohol and drugs onto yourself. That is how you die. Like Philip Seymour Hoffman,” said Manice, definitely misinterpreting everything that she was attempting to talk about.
When asked why he did it, Uncle began to look contemplative and thoughtful.
“Jimi Hendrix did it, and he’s an alright guy. I mean, my heroes just happen to be Dylan Thomas, Jim Morrison, Archer from “Archer” and Don Draper. I aspire to be like those individuals,” he said.
At this point in the interview, Uncle began being incomprehensible. He began shouting, “That’s how you get ants!” to our reporter. Among other things, he muttered “danger zone” under his breath and repeatedly assured us that he doesn’t have a problem.
“This is exactly why we need those posters up around campus,” said Teepleaser. “If I drank like Uncle, I would probably be dead. My wife would certainly divorce me.”
When asked for closing comments, Uncle, with a cigarette already in his mouth, simply asked, “Can I smoke in here?”
