I’m pounding my third Redbull as I write this, and I just got back from my second quadriceps work out of the day, so I might be a little amped. But even if I’m super-duper jacked right now, I can honestly and totally objectively say that Call of Duty: Special Modern Soldier: White and Black Ops 3 is the greatest game I’ve played since Call of Duty: Special Modern Soldier: White and Black Ops 2. If I were reviewing this for ThisGameisSick.com, I’d definitely give it like a 9.9-10.0. To make that more understandable to my less math-oriented readers, it’d be a “rock hard” on scale of “flaccid” to “super boner.”
The greatest part of this game is that I can play with all my closest bros online from the comfort of my own home. I can snuggle deep into my warm bed and shoot all those goddamn terrorists while my favorite bros whisper sweet strategies into my ear. The only thing that would make it better would be if I could snuggle with all my bros and play Call of Duty together from one bed. But, you know, there’s always Call of Duty: Special Modern Soldier: White and Black Ops 4. Which I hear is right around the corner! Excellent news, ’cause this shit can only get better and better.
Gameplay? Definitely a “rock hard.” Graphics? Oh my god, I’ve never seen unidentifiable, but slightly Middle Eastern-looking terrorists look so ambiguously threatening. “Rock hard” once again. Sound quality? It’s not that much of a jump from the previous Call of Duty, so I’ll give it a “semi-boner.” Battlefield 7: Invasion of the Socialists had way better sound quality, if you ask me. Still, when you add it all up, I’ve never felt more satisfied when playing a video game. (Speaking of satisfied, here’s a pro tip for all you nubs out there: play this game on the pooper, and thank me later).
The game begins with you and your special forces team, a.k.a. the main bros, fist-bumping and pounding Redbulls and vodkas in the back of a Humvee. The main character and his main dudes are just shooting the shit in Islamastan, a completely fictional country, where they are generously fighting for the freedom of pretty much every third world country. For some reason––it’s never revealed why––the locals are fucking pissed at you and the other freedom fighters, so for no apparent reason, they lob a grenade at your troupe. Then, your favorite rock-hard dude dies in your arms, and you’ve got nothing left to do but take revenge on all those ungrateful socialists. I won’t spoil anything else, but let me tell you, it’s a great fucking intro to a great fucking game.
I have this friend who is super into these fairy-looking, Japanese role-playing games (JRPGs). Now, don’t get me wrong, I can get behind those games sometimes. Like, really get behind them, mount them, and just enjoy them, ya’ know? But those games really don’t have the same depth of gameplay and creativity that Call of Duty offers. Kutuku, a respected gaming website, once described Call of Duty as “the shit.” They also described the JRPG, Binding of Shenmue as “shit.” I think those critical reviews really speak for themselves.
But let me put the question to you, wise reader. Which would you rather have: a unique, social commentary in the form of talking pigs and elves, or a gun with 12 different camouflage options? If you chose the first option, you are definitely not my bro. If you chose the second, my gaming handle is 420BlazeIt, and I’m willing to chat and chill with my bros till the wee hours of the morning.
