Dear Whitman College Students and Families,
A few weeks ago, I announced to the Whitman College community my impending resignation from my position at the college. As is our tradition, Whitman’s Board of Trustees has the immeasurably important role of identifying my successor. It is a true honor to announce officially that the search for a replacement––one who embodies the exact essence of Whitman College––has come to fruition!
It is with great pride that I introduce to you my replacement: BxW382 myWhitman College President Simulator PrezPro 15.0 TM Robot. The Board of Trustees and I are fully confident in Rob’s abilities, enthusiasm and expertise. Through our painstaking and thorough search, Rob emerged clearly as a perfect fit for our campus and community.
Rob is sure to bring a highly progressive and refreshing perspective to our campus. As a gender-neutral, asexual metalloid born to a mixed media couple, zir’s unique upbringing will no doubt continue to promote the open-minded and continually evolving atmosphere of the Whitman campus.*
I will now take a moment to debrief you all on the background of my successor. A native to the unpretentious culture of the Northwest, Rob was born in Intel, Ore. but went to study at Tokyo’s prestigious A.I. University, earning dual degrees in everything and human interaction. After graduating, Rob went on to found an organization that has helped over 10,000 at-risk iPod nanos find work within the city. On top of this, Rob spends free time teaching zimself to master the languages of English, Spanish, Swahili, Russian, bitcoin and HTML//.
Though already extremely accomplished, my six-month-old successor will be the youngest president that Whitman has seen, as well as the smallest, measuring just 4-by-4 centimeters, so as to fit easily into the sim card slot of your smart phone. The bow tie, which is traditionally passed down symbolically to new presidents, is slated to be replaced with twine.
To conclude, I truly hope that the community will come together to embrace wholeheartedly my future replacement.
Respectfully yours,
George S. Bridges
President
*Zir, of course, is the formal gender-neutral pronoun with which our future president shall be addressed.
