Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire


Scientist Brynn Walund examines the scientific aspects of various snacks.
Photo by Marlena Sloss

For years we have been told that snacking is bad for you, that it is important to only eat three square meals a day and that snack foods and junk foods are terribly unhealthy. But new research is being done by snack scientists, or “snackentists” as they prefer, at prestigious universities all over the country. I am investigating their findings in order to answer the question we have been asking all along: should I eat a snack?

In short, the answer is yes.

Professor T.J. Snacksberg, a leading snackentist, has been researching the effects of snacks vs. no snacks on his test subjects, who are also his research assistants. His method is to divide his subjects into two groups, those who regularly receive snacks such as milk and cookies, Cheetos or chips and salsa when a bell is rung. The second group receives no snacks but rather three square meals of kale and brown rice without salt.

“Upon observing my test subjects, I have noticed a few trends. The subjects who receive snacks are overall much jollier and go about their routines excitedly awaiting the next bell, while the non-snack group grumbles all day long, often falling asleep at work or complaining about their meals. They have also become more aggressive and hangry, as I like to say,” said Snacksberg.

I have a personal experience with the hanger of the non-snack fed subjects. When visiting the laboratory and observing the subjects, the hangry subjects attacked me as soon as they smelled the cookie in my pocket that I was saving from lunch.

“I am of the opinion that snacking is of the upmost importance to the mental and physical health of human beings,” said Snacksburg.

Dorita Lowenstein, Ph.D. in Snackology, is researching what sort of snacks are truly best for us.

“Snacks are of the upmost importance in the human diet. We need snacks to keep us awake, to keep us from being bored and to keep us from being hungry for dinner. We need to snack,” she said.

Lowenstein has been testing the effects of various snacks upon a wide range of test subjects. She postulates that the best snack is what she refers to as the “ultimate trisnackta,” which is one snack that simultaneously combines salty, sweet and savory. Although she has yet to find this ultimate trisnackta, she has experimented with the following combinations: chocolate-covered bacon-wrapped Cheetos, hummus truffle with a light dusting of Pixy Stix and Cheez-It cake with a salsa buttercream and chocolate ganache. She hopes to identify the perfect trisnackta before 2014’s International Snackology Conference.

While there is much research still to be done, the consensus is clear: You should eat a snack.

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