In order to appear less frightening to students, the following campus agencies would like to make a few announcements in the form of limericks:

From the Office of the Dean of Students

About grief, we have tried to be nice

But it seems that you need some advice:

We’ll put you on probation

For re-incarnation

‘Cus grandmothers should not die twice.

From the STD Prevention Initiative

The Planned Parenthood Club has conveyed

At their delight at the progress we’ve made

Upon their inspection

Not one new infection!

‘Cus none of us have gotten laid.

From the chemistry department

I’m all for a little libation

When discussing amino substration,

But we’re getting off task

So I now have to ask:

Don’t be drunk at your chem recitation.

From the Maintenance Team

From science to Ankeny we jet

Used water to keep the grass wet,

But the jets may come on

While you mack on the lawn

So please take it back into Jew-wett.

From Security

From the tall maple tree to the oak-ling

We know you are climbing and smoking

We won’t come and get you

In fact, we’ll just let you

Have fun climbing down after toking.

From the dance department

Whitman is well to the fore

In its classes and teachers and more,

But walk past Sigma Chi

And we all want to cry,

So dancing is now part of Core.

From the biology department

Your loved ones, for doctors, have prayed,

But your numbers have got us dismayed.

While French majors are lonely,

We’re standing room only.

We swear we will break out the Raidâ„¢.

From Bon Appétit

Whether gluten/fat-free enchilada

Or cactus leaves flown from Nevada,

We’re just not in the mood

To serve rich-people food,

So from now on its burgers or nada.