“The Partiers”
Characteristics:
- Going out every night from Thursday to Saturday
- Dancing or otherwise gyrating to music (preferably turned up high enough to make the brain liquify and spill out the ears)
- Devoted worshiping of the deity known only as “Shots”
“The Devoted Students”
Characteristics:
- An almost disturbing obsession with the quiet room in the library and a sick desire to be the last one there in order to receive the highest honor: signing one’s name in “The Book”
- Starting homework the night it’s assigned
- Citing an obscure practice known as “time management” (NOTE: due to scheduling issues, the Backpage has yet to find out to what this refers)
“Basically Everyone”
Characteristics:
- An intense delusion regarding how much work can be fit in an hour before class
- An inclination to disbelieve any possibility that they will not finish an assignment before the due date
- An ability to use absolutely anything as an excuse to not do homework (“IS THAT A BABY IN A WAGON? I SIMPLY CANNOT DO HOMEWORK NOW”)
“The Freshmen”
Characteristics:
- Continually complaining about a ritual or rite known only as “Encounters”
- General emotional breakdowns during class registration
- Occasionally merging with the Partiers . . . at least until they are kicked out
“Whitties”
Characteristics:
- A devastating blend of intelligence and good looks
- The questionable pairing of socks with any kind of shoe
- At least two unusual talents, ranging from unicycling to Tuvan throat singing
Now that you have been educated, the question remains: Which cult will suck YOU in?
