Know Your Campus Cults!

Dana Thompson

“The Partiers”


  1. Going out every night from Thursday to Saturday
  2. Dancing or otherwise gyrating to music (preferably turned up high enough to make the brain liquify and spill out the ears)
  3. Devoted worshiping of the deity known only as “Shots”

“The Devoted Students”


  1. An almost disturbing obsession with the quiet room in the library and a sick desire to be the last one there in order to receive the highest honor: signing one’s name in “The Book”
  2. Starting homework the night it’s assigned
  3. Citing an obscure practice known as “time management” (NOTE: due to scheduling issues, the Backpage has yet to find out to what this refers)

“Basically Everyone”


  1. An intense delusion regarding how much work can be fit in an hour before class
  2. An inclination to disbelieve any possibility that they will not finish an assignment before the due date
  3. An ability to use absolutely anything as an excuse to not do homework (“IS THAT A BABY IN A WAGON? I SIMPLY CANNOT DO HOMEWORK NOW”)

“The Freshmen”


  1. Continually complaining about a ritual or rite known only as “Encounters”
  2. General emotional breakdowns during class registration
  3. Occasionally merging with the Partiers . . . at least until they are kicked out



  1. A devastating blend of intelligence and good looks
  2. The questionable pairing of socks with any kind of shoe
  3. At least two unusual talents, ranging from unicycling to Tuvan throat singing

Now that you have been educated, the question remains: Which cult will suck YOU in?

Illustration by Vazquez