My girlfriend and I are both seniors at Whitman, and I’m worried that our busy schedules are hurting our sex life. On a normal night, we’ll curl up on the couch together, and maybe cuddle a little, but even when I try to suggest sex by giving her a massage, she tends to fall asleep. Sometimes, I’ll ask if she wants to have sex, but she usually says she’s tired. She seems concerned that I’m unsatisfied, but at the same time, I don’t want to pressure or guilt her into having sex. I’m just concerned that our sex drives are becoming more and more mismatched.

-Schedules Make Intimacy Tough to Experience

You mention, SMITE, that you don’t want to pressure or guilt your girlfriend into having sex. That’s a good principle. But she’s concerned, and you’re unhappy, and amidst all of this, it sounds like you’re not saying a word, just bottling it up, presumably in order to keep from feeling like you’re pressuring her. This is not a promising equation. In order to deal with this, you’re going to have to acknowledge that your desires and needs are important too. Caring for yourself isn’t the same as selfishness.

Everyone has their own sexual needs. This might not be discussed as often as other parts of relationships, but it’s a fact––everyone has a libido that works at a different pace. Some people are happiest when they’re getting sex once a day; others are perfectly fine if it happens once a month. However your libido works, there’s no denying that it can significantly improve your happiness when you’re meeting your needs and really drag you down when you’re not. If you’re feeling unsatisfied, don’t brush it off. That’s a perfectly valid feeling.

It’s important to consider your partner’s feelings, obviously––but you’ve also got to recognize and take care of your own, because if you don’t, who will? This means that while you definitely shouldn’t pressure your girlfriend into sex, you also shouldn’t keep your dissatisfaction secret. If she doesn’t know there’s a problem, there’s no way it’s going to get better.

So tell her. Make sure you’re not blaming her for anything, but also don’t be afraid to honestly and gently express what you’re feeling. A good trick is to use “I” statements––rather than talking about what she’s not doing and how she could fix things, stick to talking about yourself. This would be a good time to talk about what each of you like about your sex; maybe by listing favorites, you can find things you’re both eager to do more often. Alternatively, maybe that will help you find ways to improve the quality of your sex, which could also help you both feel more satisfied.

You might also talk about scheduling sex. If spontaneous sex isn’t working with your schedules, maybe you can set aside a few nights a week as sex nights––provided you’re both on board with the idea, of course. It sounds weird, sure, but by doing that, you make it something you prepare for and look forward to. Often, the biggest hurdle is just finding the motivation to start sex, and scheduling it can help relieve that.

The goal is to make yourself heard and find a solution that benefits both of you. If you’re unhappy right now and your girlfriend is concerned, neither of you are very happy with this portion of your relationship, and resolving it will be to both your benefits. By treating this as a team effort, you can respect your girlfriend’s desires while also giving voice to your own.