Glance at your semester bill – past the gym fees you never use because climbing the Hall of Science stairs counts as cardio – and you’ll find the ASWC fees. Ever wonder where all that money goes? Let’s break down this financial mystery.
Events: These fees ensure you can attend soul-crushing ice breakers that are supposed to make lifelong friends out of total strangers bonding over cold pizza. “We make sure there’s precisely enough of a food shortage to cause a stampede,” said a WEB employee proudly, as we surveilled the battlefield at Reid Ballroom’s last corporate team-building workshop disguised as an open-mic.
Clubs: Your money also supports all the clubs around campus! The keyword here, however, is all: Each club, from the mundane to the mind-boggling, gets a piece of the pie — ensuring that every obscure interest is preserved like a fossil in amber. Thus, the Whitman Lego ClubStructural Design Club live on, pursuing their dreams of IRL SimCity. And maybe, maybe you’ll see your dollars someday, once they finally decide to let Stanton have air-conditioning … in time for winter.
Administrative Costs: This is the Bermuda Triangle of your bill. Here, the funds are as transparent as a brick wall on a Soviet apartment block and cover everything, from the annual ASWC executive retreat to the Canva Pro subscription. These retreats in particular are known to be strategic get-away plans rumored to happen under heavy security and secrecy at the Bohemian Grove. The pressing agenda items include deciding between the beach or the pool for the next team-building exercise, and this is all funded by your ASWC fees for … um, sustaining the morale of our tireless leaders.
Miscellaneous: My favorite, the miscellaneous category, a category as vague as your advisor’s directions. This fund is tapped for emergencies like fixing the sticker machine when it breaks down every week. Which brings me to…
The Sticker Machine: Finally, the secret hidden cash guzzler that you probably didn’t know about: The sticker machine. This bad boy averages five stickers an hour on its absolute best day, provided it hasn’t broken down again because someone brushing up against it gave it a boo-boo. This thing is a money pit, but I will say one thing: I would kill for another round of stickers reminding me that ‘Your Business Here Is To Learn.’ So yeah, this might be one thing that’s worth my tuition money.
Editors note: Two days after the writing of this article, Arham was last seen being taken away in a Whitman OP turtle top by masked individuals. The only thing left behind at the scene was an American Express Centurion® corporate card with the name: ‘ASWC’
