Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Crazy straw glasses and other spring fashion predictions

As February begins to wane and Ankeny shortcut-takers feel their shoes sink into the murky residue of the last snowstorm for probably a while, it is the natural course of human neurology that minds should turn toward what to wear when the weather warms. While many spring trends spring eternal on a yearly basis as consistent as the date of Easter, others are one-hit wonders that bloom bright as lightbulbs and fade faster than airport moving sidewalks. Read on for a forecast of prominent, groundbreaking, obsolete-by-June 2024 spring fashion fads.

1: Jeans Ripped in the Back of the Knee

A fresh twist on a mild-weather staple, these ravishing rippage reversals are made all the more wondrous by the ease with which they can be DIYed. Simply take a pair of professional barber scissors, cut open the back of the knee of the leg of the jeans of you and voila. Jeans ripped in the front of the knee are a tired facsimile of wardrobial battle scars only authentically attainable through hard work and altercations with barbed wire, but the back of the knee? Now that’s innovation. Wave goodbye to uncomfortable bunching when you sit down and wave hello to showing off your luscious hamstrings.

2: Shirts with My Face on Them

I confess to being ahead of the trend on this one. At familial festivities following my high school graduation, you can imagine my surprise when I beheld all non-recently-graduated attendants decked out in white T-shirts emblazoned with photos of me throughout my life thus far. The effect was such that, in the group photo, my black T-shirt made us look like a cult of which I was the leader. Shortly following this photo, my antimaterialistic aunt removed her Me Shirt and offered it to me. This I accepted, and the shirt remains in my possession to this day. Admittedly, the rest of the world has a short supply of my antimaterialistic aunt, but the prognosis remains: Slap the Groebner mug on an otherwise unremarkable T-shirt and you will soon find yourself the talk of the town.

3: Crazy Straw Glasses

At last we reach the titular prediction, the dominating force of the fashion world for the next three months to come. If you Google “crazy straw glasses,” you will soon be met by a Walmart ad featuring a smirking child, body tilted 20 inexplicable degrees to the left, smugly imbibing a scarlet beverage from whose glass protrudes a thought bubble declaring “Good Cool.” Don’t you envy this lad’s stylishness? Don’t you want your beverages to feel equally good-cool when you drink them? If beverages have emotions, and therefore an awareness of the world around them, isn’t it terrifying to think what it then means to drink them? Slake your thirst with the questionably existent life force of your fellow inhabitants on this rock we call home – with crazy straw glasses.

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