Alumni Weekend has swept over Whitman once again, flooding campus with former Whitties hell-bent on reminiscence and leaving behind a wake of wet outdoor tables. With reports coming in that the last table has been thoroughly blow-dried and escorted off the premises, the danger seems to have passed. However, a lasting impact has been left on the student body, who had to navigate challenges such as making small talk and giving directions.

“I went to Cleve for breakfast, and the place was completely overrun,” recounts one Wire interviewee. “It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. You couldn’t throw an apple without hitting somebody in a graduation-year name tag. I know, because I tried, repeatedly. I guess I panicked. Anyway, I’m banned from the Safeway produce aisle now.”

Though Reid and Styx have been identified among the landmarks hit hardest, the epicenter of the event remains undetermined. Meteorologists contacted by the Wire have been more interested in far less pertinent questions, such as who we are, what we think their field of study is, why we’ve kidnapped them instead of sending an email and when they’ll be released. We exhibit consistency rivaled only by our commitment to quality journalism in delivering our answer: as soon as you can pinpoint the freaking epicenter. We’ve got deadlines to meet, space nerds.

Meteorologists aside, tension is on the decline as current Whitties timidly venture into the open and begin to feel that the school is once again theirs. Though experts forewarn that this window of respite is fleeting, with scarcely two weeks until Parents’ Weekend makes its predicted landfall, morale among current Whitties is high. 

“It’s weird to say, but weathering Alumni Weekend has brought me closer to my fellow students,” reports one interviewee. “Knowing we can make it through something that intense and come out the other side – it’s shown me that this is a special community that I don’t want to leave. I’ll have to come back and visit after graduation.”