Living off campus brings so many new experiences! Grocery shopping, kitchen politics, being a chef every night and the chance to create a network of interwoven emotional, romantic and sexual relationships with the residents of your house (and their partners). Who hasn’t fallen into the occasional polycule from time to time?

Firstly, it’s no one’s fault. Remove notions of guilt or blame. Polycules tend to start innocently. You’re having a group homework session in your cozy, nine-seater living room, and after a few hours of homework you guys need a brain break. So of course you all spoon each other. This is a logical chain of events; there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of spooning! 

But now that the touch barrier is broken, your polycule begins to bloom. One of your housemates is describing their dream guy, and he sounds eerily like your boyfriend. Even down to the same freckle on his elbow that your housemate only learned about when you all uh … studied for finals. And then you start to think ‘I know just the guy for them,’ but he’s also the one for you. So maybe you should just share…?

Your domestic life has turned into the Wild West and the lines between private and public begin to blur. Everything, and I mean everything, is held in common: coconut oil, the one sharp knife and a few other items. Every action is done in a sickly sweet, codependent way; last week you ran into one of your housemates helping the other wipe. When you and your ‘cule are studying in the library, others stare at you as if the ‘explored-each-others-bodies’ vibration radiates from you like cartoon stink lines.

If you’re loving polycule life, more power to you. Maybe you can keep this up after college! There’s weirdly a bunch of 30 year old men who are super into ethical non-monogamy, and let you know that, and also that they identify as a feminist. If that is somehow unappealing, and you like your gamy full mono, that’s ok! Lucky for you, your group study/spoon sessions may have to cease in May 2024. Enjoy the wandering hand massage train while it lasts.