Auntie Lee’s insight on romantic indicators

Lee Thomas, ex-boyfriend bounty hunter

Dear Auntie Lee,

There’s someone in my life who I suspect might be into me. I’m totally down for a relationship with them, but I don’t want to make the jump only to find out they were being platonic the whole time. What are some signs to look out for that’ll prove they want this hot, hot bod and brain of mine?

xoxo, Lover Boy

Illustration by M Hu.

Dear Lover Boy,

I got you! From one clueless romantic to another, here are three irrefutable signals of attraction. 

  1. They tell you they like your shoelaces — This line is a demonstration of the vulnerability they yearn to experience with you. If you wish to reciprocate this expression of romantic interest and ability to be vulnerable, simply answer, “Thank you. I received them as a gift from the president.” 
  2. They do backflips outside your window while pelting pebbles at the glass to get you to look. While a more subtle move, these efforts are indicative of the attention they seek from you. Trust me, it’s a modern day Romeo and Juliet technique. 
  3. They poop on your lawn. Look beyond the crudity and unhygienic nature of this gift; it is an expression of trust and comfortability. This person clearly feels safe enough to commit such a defenseless act — pants down while outdoors trying to stay still enough to drop the deuce without being too messy. Shit in your grass demonstrates how much they appreciate you.

Keep an eye out for these romantic indicators. Catch at least two, and you’ll be sure they’re trying to get in your pants and meet your parents.

xoxo, Auntie Lee