Walla Walla Vampire Hunting Committee raids local wineries

Lee Thomas, Not immune to vampiric seduction

In shocking news this week, the citizens of Walla Walla were alerted by the city government about a vampire infestation throughout town. What was thought to be mere rumors was proven true when the local Vampire Hunting Committee (VHC) conducted a raid of three wine tasting rooms. They found 36 blood-sucking beasts posing as human sommeliers. 

The VHC of Walla Walla was established in 1893 to confront the first recorded vampire outbreak in southeast Washington. The monsters are an invasive species from Transylvania, believed to have been introduced to the Americas during the early 1800s colonization of the Pacific Northwest. The second recorded infestation took place in the late 1950s. Between then and now, there had been relative peace. 

“There seems to be a pattern of them returning every generation or so,” lead VHC researcher Oscar Patterson told The Wire. “After dealing with the current surge of vampires, we plan to develop protocols for the next predicted attack 60 or 70 years from now.” 

The team decided to pinpoint wineries during their search due to the history of vampires utilizing such spaces for previous schemes. The darkly lit atmospheres of tasting rooms allow for disguised teeth and daytime activity. Blood in a wine glass is easily overlooked as a strangely coagulated Merlot. 

“They stalk the night, hunting for victims, usually tourists drunk off wine, actual wine,” head exterminator Roy Morris stated at a press conference this Tuesday. “Then they take those bodies and drain the blood, bottling it to be distributed to covert creature customers the next day disguised as wine.” 

The Committee has issued a county-wide curfew, urging residents and visitors to avoid being on the streets between nightfall and sunrise. All tasting rooms across town were ordered to close doors for an indefinite period of time until the current vampire outbreak is declared as conquered. 

“We know that many will disregard this curfew initiative,” Morris said. “Please, unless you’re really itching to get sucked to death, stay home and watch the Twilight films.”