Missed the CCEC meeting on finding your purpose? No problem! That’s right everybody, I’m offering my special, clairvoyant services this one time completely free of charge. You’re welcome.

If your favorite color is …

Blue: Your purpose is to come to terms with the fact that your life will be, statistically speaking, incredibly average. Part of that path will be dealing with a mild to moderate generalized anxiety disorder.

Red: Your purpose in life will be to understand why you can’t maintain any level of intimate relationship, platonic or otherwise, for more than six months. However, because this pursuit requires an overwhelming amount of self-scrutiny, you’ll decide that your inability to commit also signifies your ability to connect with a lot of people. Then you’ll go into marketing. 

Orange: Your purpose is to make cheese. I don’t know why.

Yellow: You will constantly ensure others’ growth and then wrestle with the fact that in doing so, you’ve completely neglected your own personal plans and aspirations. Your purpose is to find balance.

Purple: You love being creative! Your purpose is to create something so beautiful and then realize that people never respond to art (or anything) the way that you want them to. 

Green: Your purpose is to explain why raw veganism is actually not a great diet. 

Pink: Your purpose is just to smell insanely good, and also halt climate change. You should probably get going on both.  

Don’t see your favorite color? Well, that means your purpose will be constantly dealing with your overly specific and unattainable expectations for life and relationships. Good luck with that.