This is the time of year where everyone shares their Spotify Wrapped, but I’m not stopping there. Behold, for your entertainment and edification, my top five songs of 2022 as a guide to my labyrinthian psyche.

1. “midnight sun” – Nilüfer Yanya

This reveals my poetic melancholy, which makes me a mysterious, mindful and mature fellow. While my life is mundane, I dramatize the smallest inconveniences to support my mildly somber and thoughtful demeanor. Mostly, this means I need to get out more.

2. “Don’t Dream It’s Over” – Crowded House

This 1986 classic shows my romantic and optimistic soul in the face of struggles both personal and worldwide. I don’t know what it means to “catch the deluge in a paper cup,” but damn if this song doesn’t make me smile. Some say it’s too old school, but I’m not ashamed of my music taste, no sir.

3. “All Star – Owl City Remix” – Smash Mouth, Owl City

I take it back; this one is embarrassing. Clearly I yearn for the late aughts, back when I lacked sufficient brain development to comprehend the often hellish reality of this universe. Also, I may like Shrek more than I thought? This requires further study.

4. “Static on the Radio” – Jim White, Aimee Mann, M. Ward, Joe Henry

Short version: I finished “El Camino” and was pretending to be Jesse Pinkman. Long version: My fixation with this character and his suffering speaks to an internalized masochism, which, left unchecked, will have me committing crimes with my high school chemistry teacher within the year. A cause for serious concern.

5. “Baby Blu” – Nilüfer Yanya

Closing out the top five is another catchy tune — a breakup song at that. Since I’m not breaking up with anyone romantically, this indicates a loss of attachment elsewhere in my life. I think it is my email correspondents (I am bad at responding in a timely manner).

And that’s all, folks. Now that I’ve bared my warped mind to the world, I have no choice but to go into shameful exile. Take care, my friends. If you see me around next year, know that I am just a figment of your imagination.