The Wire can now confirm that at least one of its humor writers is getting really lazy with his articles. Whether by beginning several articles with “The Wire can confirm” or by simply restating the title of the article as the first sentence, reports say he has reached a level of sloth heretofore only seen in literal sloths and professors grading a midterm.

In addition, reports state that he has literally no excuse. After having pitched his article an entire week ago, with plenty of free time to spend writing, the reports state that he found himself just staring at a blank screen. He has just been tabbing back and forth to various other tabs for several minutes before deciding he deserved a break. 

“You know, I’m really just having a case of writer’s block,” he said, lying. “This is an art; you can’t rush it or put it on a week’s schedule for about 300 words with plenty of warning. This takes real craft. Not just anyone can write things and post them online. Well, they can, but they don’t get paid for it.”

While scrolling through Instagram for the fifteenth time in the last 20 minutes, he added, “Anyway, I’m not too worried. I mean, you can always just find ways to pad out the word count, like by putting a bunch of nothing words like ‘anyway’ or ‘I mean.’ I mean, I’m sure I’ll get it in before the deadline.”

Several hours past his deadline, the writer finally settled on simply writing some self-indulgent, meta crap and going to sleep.