North Hall still exists, apparently

Ian Lewis, resident resident

To the shock of the entire Whitman community, The Wire can now confirm, after months of diligent research, that it appears that North Hall still exists.

Despite Whitman sources being “pretty sure” that they had gotten rid of it at some point, North Hall has apparently been around this entire time with a number of student residents and numerous RAs. Beyond that, sources state that it even has rooms, plumbing and stuff.

Even as rumors began to spread at the start of the semester, Whitman students believed that it was all a bit at first. That was all before unsealed Whitman records revealed that, not only was North Hall real, it remains operating as a dorm even today.

There is much unknown about these mysterious North Hall residents, but they have provided some scattered information. These “Northites,” as they are called, are quickly identified by their large number of snacks to subsist while journeying to North and their defined calves, built by daily minutes of having to traverse the terrifying wildlands of suburban Walla Walla.

When asked for comment, residence life spokesperson David Stanfield expressed shock at the revelations.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m looking in here and it says that North Hall’s still around. There’s a lot of crazy stuff in there,“ Stanfield said, reading the Whitman College residence life page for the first time. “Hey, did you know it’s fifteen grand for room and board? Who are the schmucks paying for that, am I right? Why are you writing that down?”

Even after the confirmation of its existence, a number of things remain a mystery; the whole story of North Hall may never fully come to light. It’s like a whole three blocks away from Olin, and none of us here really want to go all the way up there and check.