3 dead, 16 injured at latest biology department plant giveaway

Lee Thomas, More brown-thumbed than green-thumbed

More chaos than usual unfolded last Friday afternoon outside the science building greenhouse as the standard stampede of proud plant-parents-to-be went particularly wild, leaving three Whitties trampled to death and sixteen with severe injuries, thirteen of which are still being treated at the Welty Health Center today.

The Wire reached out to the Biology and Environmental Science departments responsible for overseeing the end of week houseplant handout, inquiring about details surrounding the flower fiasco.

According to a volunteer for the semi-monthly event, “The havoc started when some sophomore yelled out, ‘Free-for-all!’, and everyone just went rabid: shoving and punching and kicking and throwing. I saw a kid smack another over the head with their violin.”

“We cannot be held responsible for this disaster,” Biology Lab Coordinator Travis Morgan added, “These people are bananas when it comes to things with leaves. We’ve been considering throwing the plants down from an open window on the second floor solely for the physical safety of the volunteers.”

“I think I would compare it to zombies,” a witness described to us. “Not in a Night of the Living Dead way but in a World War Z way, where you drop a pin and they come flying at you a million miles a minute with these huge empty, soulless eyes and snarling mouths dripping with this inhuman… greed… and hunger. And no Brad Pitt to save us.”

We interviewed some victims of the tragedy, with one telling us, “I just wanted to be a plant mom, with beige tote-bags with minimalist art on it and my hair tied up in a messy bun and 70’s classic rock playing like a soundtrack. But after waiting in line for half an hour, I ended up crying and covered in dirt, my hair all disheveled and one strap of my tote bag ripped off and not a single plant to show for it. And there was certainly no Led Zeppelin playing.”

Another told The Wire that he “will never be able to forget the sound of those screams.”

While the school struggles to alleviate the consequences of the catastrophe, Whitman students, faculty, and friends have been placing their now-dead plants from previous giveaways in their windows to show solidarity. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, even for plants and plant lovers.