Whitman holiday celebration goes wrong

Ben Kearney, Not so holly jolly now

A traditional Whitman holiday party went off the rails last week, with blame falling heavily on the former child star Macaulay Culkin. In an attempt to “up the holiday spirit,” Nancy Mitchell, retiring director of Alumni Relations used the funds AWSC graciously provided her to end her tenure with a bang and hired Culkin to dress up as Santa and entertain guests at Reid Campus Center. Unfortunately, the “Home Alone” actor faces unresolved trauma from the spirit of Christmas and showed up drunk to the party at Reid Campus Center. 

Naturally, people began to suspect something was up as Culkin cheekily spiked the staff’s bowl of eggnog with two handles of Baileys. He then proceeded to dump tray after tray of sugar cookies into his Jansport backpack claiming, “Tis for the children ho ho ho, and my stomach too. Santa’s gotta eat.” What made people really start to realize something was afoot however, was witnessing Culkin’s drunkenly slurred rendition of “All I Want for Christmas is You.” The sound was so bad, Frosty melted, and Ruldolph’s nose stopped working. 

The party went into a freefall from there as Culkin recreated his “sledding down the stairs” scene riding a trashcan lid all the way down to the basement. Unlike in “Home Alone” where the snow stopped his momentum, Culkin collided into several professors before crashing through the bookstore’s door. Inside, Culkin raided the snack section and tried to reimagine his giant ice cream sundae. After digesting a combination that could only be described as toxic to the body, the sugar-crash that followed knocked Culkin out within seconds. 

Police escorted Culkin off the premises once he regained consciousness and took him into custody on charges of drunken disorderly conduct and theft. It was announced the following afternoon Macaulay Culkin is now permanently banned from any future Whitman gatherings. Surprisingly, actress Catherine O’Hara bailed Culkin out of jail. When asked by The Wire as to why she bailed out her movie son, O’Hara stated: “Culkin needs stability, and only his childhood has provided that.”