What you’ve missed on this season of the Great British Bake Off

Carmel Stephan, Moonlights as a college student (my real job is refusing to make eye contact)

It’s that time of year again: fall is fading into winter, Thanksgiving break is nearing, the semester’s workload is no longer just heating up, but blasting your face like a furnace installed in the 1920s. Another, and quite frankly, more important indication of the season is the culmination of the current installment of the Great British Bake Off (GBBO). Haven’t watched it yet because you’ve been too busy thinking about horses, dog training bacteria or whatever the hell you do at liberal arts college? Well I’m not gonna spoil it for you but I’ll divvuuuullllgeee a few details. 

For you uncultured swine, the Great British Bake Off is a British baking show in which 12 amateur bakers enter, compete in a series of baking challenges each week and at the end, one baker is awarded star baker and one baker is eliminated and shot by the Queen herself.

This season has everything: Paul Hollywood, a man with the body of a freshly baked brioche bun and personality of burnt caramel; Prue Leith, a walking phlegm clogged esophagus who you know pegs her husband at least 3 times a week; An Italian with salt and pepper curls and one of the only acceptable instances of a porn stache; A German physicist who gets a little too into slapping his dough; A man named Chigs who reads books instead of having children (which is quite possibly the most relatable thing ever); Noel Fielding and Matt Lucas, perhaps two of the greatest examples of uncanny valley (I would like to have Noel’s calves tho).

There are sweaters that go down to the mid thigh, high heeled boots, weird intros, wine jelly that blew my friends’ frickin’ minds, vegan sausage rolls, Prue chewing exclusively with her front teeth, Paul’s hands in his pockets, a fucking massive knife that comes out of nowhere every goddamn episode, and finally, a shit ton of passionfruit. 

So tune into this week’s semi-final and catch up for the final episode. Twelve bakers entered, only one will leave with the GBBO inscribed pie pan, but ALL will receive an awkward hug and oddly intimate ear whisper from Paul.