ASWC offers IUD insertions in the park

Rachel Husband, Hiding from the IRS

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

After the astounding success of another Menstrual Cup Give-Away sponsored by the Sustainability Committee, ASWC is launching free IUD insertions in Pioneer Park for all students who want them.

Intrauterine Devices, or IUDs, are T-shaped pieces of plastic inserted with a tube into the uterus. IUDs play goalkeeper against invaders entering the uterus and are one of the most effective forms of birth control. They can stop you from bleeding out of the coochie once a month and from getting a baby put in you for up to 10 years. The IUDs being distributed are adorned at one end with a replica of Kathy Murray’s head for extra protection.

Sign-ups for IUD insertions will be released shortly and procedures will occur on each of the Spring Break days. Students can choose if they want to shove the IUDs through their own cervix or if they would like assistance from student volunteers. Due to the FSR, the College was unable to get actual medical professionals to perform the procedures and are using ASWC senators instead.  

The Sustainability Committee has commented that Whitman College will be able to reduce 45 percent of plastic waste on campus if people stop having periods because they won’t have to put those little plastic bags in the boxes in the bathrooms anymore. “Whitman students are just fertile as fuck and it’s not sustainable at all so our goal is to tamp down on periods. ASWC is now officially anti-menstruation.”

“We’ve also found many Menstrual Cups in the garbage because students don’t seem to understand that the point is to reuse them. Not only is everyone here extremely fertile — they are also extremely stupid. We are seeing a similar issue with the eco-containers. Please do not throw them away; return them to the Dish Room inside of Cleveland. Do not return your Menstrual Cups to Cleve. They will not wash those for you.”

IUD String check-ups are available under the big white tents on Ankeny any time of the day or night.