A climate-denier’s guide to all this smoke

Fielding Schaefer, who swears he didn’t write this

**This op-ed was anonymously submitted to The Wire**

To my fellow Whitman students:


I am a Whitman student, and I have been silent for too long. The climate-denying closet is a cold, dark place, and it’s time that I emerge into the *stable* heat of the outside world. So here I am, albeit anonymously, speaking to all my peers who subscribe to Big Solar’s “wildfire” conspiracy:


This nonsense has gone on for too long. Every summer the government pays “firefighters” tax-payer dollars to go around painting trees black. Meanwhile, Big News plays some pirated footage of Mordor from Lord of the Rings, claims that it’s a “wildfire,” and cries wolf about this supposed “climate change.” It’s time y’all learn the truth, and while on a run earlier amid these beautiful low clouds under grey skies, I got lightheaded and passed out. I know now that it was so that God could speak to me. This is the holy wisdom that He bestowed onto me, the real sources of the smoke:


1) God is finally punishing us all for Cardi B’s sinful single “WAP.” Not only does her profanity summon the smog of Hell directly, but He also said that it is not climate change ridding the West of its vital moisture, but Cardi B herself!

2) My famous BBQ smoked ribs from last Saturday, Mmmmm. I wouldn’t be surprised if their smoke was still lingering, and neither would The Holy Spirit.

3) The Sig basement. We all know what goes on down there: weed smoking. Don’t use climate change as a scapegoat to protect Greek life.

4) It’s the accumulated smoke from campfires near Portland. Do you know how many Granola-types camp around Portland? Enough.

5) China

6) It’s just the Walla Walla Valley fog, people! “Scientists” say it only comes in the winter, but, as always, they’re using short term climate data. God’s been here forever, and He says Walla Walla does this whenever it wants.


This is the Higher Power saying this — not me, so you really can’t argue with any of it. On that note, I see no evidence for climate change. I think we can all be happier knowing that all we need to do is censor Cardi B and move on with our lives.