Oh, how the mighty (me) have fallen. I’m back home in my shitty little baby bedroom surrounded by my Anglophile paraphernalia (One Direction posters and a random print that says, “London”). But worst of all I’m stuck with my lame parents, AKA My Little Monsters AKA Momster and Dadster. If I thought they were crazy before, it was nothing compared to how they are now!!

Let’s start with Mommy Dearest. She follows me around the house all day picking up the empty cans of Mountain Dew that I toss over my shoulder. Chill out, Mom! And if that wasn’t bad enough she keeps asking me if I’m doing my homework. Obviously, she can’t tell the difference between my homework and virtual horse racing, which I have been watching so much that I see it on my eyelids when I’m falling asleep. I wake myself up in the night yelling, “GO FRANCES HA! GO FRANCES HA!” That’s the horse I like to bet on.

Well, that’s Mom for ya, all she does is nag, nag, nag. Old pops on the other hand? Well, that’s a different story. First night of quar, dad goes out and doesn’t say a word — comes back at 10 p.m. with a man named Francisco De La Croix. I said, “La Croix?” and Francisco said “yeah baby.”

Anyways Francisco is about 2 feet tall because he never drank milk as a kid so all his bones broke in half. Apparently, he knows my father because he’s the guy who helped my dad get chickens for our urban coop. My family loves getting our eggs fresh and organic every day. So Francisco has been quarantining with us but luckily he can sleep standing up so we don’t need to share a room or anything.

Well, that’s my crazy family. We may not be perfect, but we’re doing our best to get by. Of course we all get a little stir crazy now and then. It’s important to get out of the house and take a walk every day. Put DOWN the phone and take a few moments to be grateful for the people around you that you hate.