To reiterate the last 10 emails we’ve received from the college, we are living in uncertain times. The coronavirus pandemic is the latest craze sweeping the nation, driving all of us into our houses and forcing us to “spend time with ourselves.” Many people are now having to confront the person they have become and their mistakes in life – scary!

Yet, we are also better equipped to handle such catastrophes now more than ever before. Why, you ask? Because we are all living with a beautiful, beautiful woman and her name is Technology iPhone Internet. She shows me wondrous things that I never could have imagined, never could have seen in 1,000 lifetimes, let alone one. People are turning to the internet to not only create art but to also, beautifully, post about it.

Everyone has more time and is thinking, “Hey, I’ll try writing a poem and post that online and everyone will be comforted by that.” Sure, there are also professional poets who are doing that. But we want to see YOURS, little Susie. We want to see your shitty poem. 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! POST your shitty acoustic guitar cover, SEND US the 2 inches of knitting you’ve done. I want to be assaulted by watercolor after watercolor, and an embroidered napkin that says “2 COVID 2 Care” (what does that mean?). I never would have wanted to look at it pre-COVID but now it’s like, okay I’ll run my eyes over that for three seconds. Then it’s three seconds less that I have to read the news. 

If you’ve done your job well you’ve posted something so sad and cringey, so densely reeking of your isolation desperation that it will make me feel better for eating all day and re-reading Twilight. Maybe it will even give me a good chuckle. Might even show it to my parents and they will look at it and say, “I’m busy.”