A bombshell realization rippled across campus last weekend after students discovered a disturbing truth: nearly all Whitman trees are fake. 

After the pine tree outside the library fell this past Sunday, a student — who already had a hunch — investigated the scene and quickly deduced that the tree was made of plastic. 

Although this person wished to remain anonymous so as to minimize the threats to their life, they agreed to meet with us in Patiss, which is known for its private atmosphere. 

“Wherever I go, I usually eat a few leaves to make sure the trees around me aren’t fake. You would be surprised how many fake trees there actually are. I had known for a while that that tree in particular was a replica, but I knew I needed more proof. The tree falling was all the evidence I needed; the roots are so shallow, and you can clearly see that the inside is hollow,” said the source. 

Sensing a perfect opportunity to alert campus, the student hacked the @whitmancollege Instagram and posted a damning photo of the tree captioned: “THE STUDENT TO TREE RATIO IS 1 TO 0!!!”

The discoveries forced administrators to reveal that all trees on campus were wiped out nearly two decades ago by an aggressive tree disease. The dying trees were then replaced with exact replicas by the desperate administration in an attempt to preserve the proudly advertised 1:1 tree to student ratio. 

“Trees take a long time to grow, and frankly are a lot of work to maintain. My predecessor had a hard time coming to the decision to plant fake trees, but at the time ultimately felt that it was in the best interest of the college’s image,” President Kathy Murray said. 

Murray fanned the flames even more after she teasingly tweeted: “There are actually three real trees on campus, but we won’t tell you where they are.” 

Students are rightfully outraged and have now begun pushing over the shallowly planted trees on campus. Others who opted out of direct action are still simply processing the scandal and are asking themselves this: is it better to live in blissful ignorance, or face the harsh realities of the fake tree conspiracy?