How to hang out with babies


Illustration by Anika Vučićević

Maude Lustig, Loves To Watch You Leave

Most Whitman students are nowhere near ready to have a baby. Yet that doesn’t change the fact that our bodies are gross and horny, and if this was the Middle Ages we’d probably all have three little rascals by now (ugh, take me back!). Babies are everywhere so at a certain point it’s only reasonable to say “how can I get me some of that?” This here’s a simple guide to fill that baby hole in your life. 

Step 1: Get The Baby

There are two ways to get a baby: to rent or to own. Investing in baby ownership is great if you’re looking to have one around the house every day. If you’re not ready for that commitment, renting is a great start. Try befriending some moms on Twitter or poking holes in your friends’ condoms. That way, you get to play with the baby, but someone ELSE has to do all the work!

Step 2: Get REAL with the baby

Babies respond to honesty and straight talk. They can spot bullshit from a mile away…and they might just try eating it! Communicate with the baby on their level. Throw in some “goo goos”‘s maybe some “gaga”s to get the conversation rolling. My favorite trick: try holding a baby up to a mirror and saying, “that’s you!” The baby will absolutely go nutzo for it. 

Step 3: Do NOT think about the soft spot

Whatever you do, do not think about the…okay fuck, did you think about it?? DO NOT Do NOT think about that soft little spot and a finger…going in it *vomiting* okay don’t look I’m throwing up! Okay maybe just don’t look at its head? Or better yet, let’s just give it back to its mom…

No matter how manly or committed to our careers we are (basically the same thing), we all get the urge to hold a baby every now and then. The drive to pat its little butt and watch the dumb stuff it does is irresistible. Now go out there and land the little smelly baby of your dreams!