Last Friday, area man John Studebaker was spotted exiting Safeway with an estimated $400 worth of Halloween candy.

Kent Jameson, the cashier who handled the bizarre transaction, weighed in. 

“Get this — he bought like 300 fucking full-sized Snickers bars. He kept picking them up off the checkout counter and thrusting them into the air like a sword. During this little performance, he practically shouted to me and the other customers about how he planned on dominating his neighbors this Halloween with ‘big candy.’ I kind of got manic, horny energy from him, but I could have been reading that wrong.” 

Studebaker reportedly made a beeline for the regular candy aisle, faltering briefly to resentfully glance at the fun-sized Halloween candy packages and theatrically picking up a box of Magnum condoms. 

His wife, Lisa Studebaker defends her husband’s actions.

“John really needs this. I’ve told him time and time again that there isn’t anything wrong with fun-sized candy! I mean honestly, I can’t even handle a king-sized candy bar… or fit it in my mouth for that matter. I’m not greedy — one fun-sized package completely satisfies me.”

When questioned about the status of her sex life, Lisa declined to answer, deeming the topic “totally out of line.”  

We caught up with John at his home that evening, as he busily erected the shaft of an inflatable skeleton bone in the front yard. 

“I get that the neighbors might feel a little inadequate in the face of my girthy, veiny, nut-filled Snickers bars, but life isn’t fair sometimes,” he said.