It seemed like it would be a nice, romantic evening to diners at restaurant Le Ratatouille last Sunday night. Things would quickly take a jarring turn for the worst when a couple brought their 6-year-old through the door.

“It’s that same sense of dread of you feel when a baby gets on the plane,” said diner Amanda Dijon. “Everything’s fine, you feel safe. Then you hear the high-pitched squeals and see their little grubby face and germy hands and the proverbial security blanket is ripped from you.”

Many diners were outraged when the child was revealed to be in his pajamas. 

“Yeah, I get it, he’s a kid. But is he so difficult that you couldn’t get him into, like, a pair of pants or something?” wondered Pierre Couscous, the bartender at Le Ratatouille.

Throughout the evening, the child ran up and down the aisles between the booths and chairs. He rubbed his little hands on every surface, from the glass windows and paintings to waiter Pennyworth Dubois’ face. 

“I felt a great sense of dread when his family was placed in my section,” recounted Dubois. “When he wasn’t running around and smearing his hands everywhere, he was loudly boasting his ability to spell the word, ‘Sprite.’ Good job, so can everyone else over the age of four. The worst part was when it came time to order. He ordered chicken tenders. Why would they even bring their child if he’s just going to order chicken tenders? Our chicken tenders aren’t any better than the ones you could prepare at home. And he ordered milk as a beverage, which I’m pretty sure is an actual war crime. I have never been so disgusted by an individual.”

Although many people were relieved when the child finally left, many are still left injured in his wake. 

“Look, when well-behaved children come in, they’re great,” said owner Louis Ratatouille, “But, after this, we’re not sure if we can keep allowing children in here. I don’t hate kids or anything, but when they come in and start violating the Geneva Conventions when they order, you know something has to be done.”

As of yesterday, Le Ratatouille has banned all children under the age of 12. Ratatouille and his staff hope to prevent pajama-clad goblins and milk-drinking gremlins from causing any more pain and misery, but only time will tell.