ASWC swears they have “special treat” in store for students

Maude Lustig, Stan

ASWC leadership announced early this week that they have a special treat in store for the Whitman student body.

Bogged by criticism and low campus support, ASWC established the Smiles Across Campus (SAC) Committee dedicated to raising trust in our student government. The SAC Committee had been given a deadline of Oct. 10 to announce their first initiative. Amid reports of infighting and relentless frowns, the committee revealed at a press conference that a “special treat” would be arriving very soon.

The SAC Committee refused to reveal what, exactly, the “special treat” would consist of, enigmatically replying, “It’s a surprise.” During the press conference, the committee chair, Debra Gossamer, gestured vaguely to a lumpy pile on the side of the platform, which was covered by a sheet. When asked point-blank if the treat was under the sheet, Gossamer replied:

“It’s there, if you only believe. It’s kind of a Schrödinger’s cat situation.”

When one reporter attempted to peek under the sheet, Gossamer went absolutely rabid, barking and foaming at the mouth until the reporter was forced to back off. 

After recovering her composure, Gossamer assured The Wire that the treat would be “really cool.” 

“Everyone’s going to go bananas for it, just cuckoo for cocoa puffs—” Gossamer then turned to her assistant and murmured. “Cocoa puffs, write that down.” She thought we couldn’t hear, but we could. 

The treat is due to be delivered “by Friday, maybe Saturday morning.” Whitman can comfort itself with the knowledge that whatever this surprise treat turns out to be, it probably didn’t cost that much money.