The Health Center is on red alert this week after patient patterns revealed the spread of a condition that is knocking out an alarming number of Whitman men. The epidemic, currently nameless but unofficially called “YeeYeeism,” has ripped through Whitman campus, rendering affected young men unable to respond to any question with anything but “Yee.” Health officials reported that those affected may answer “Yee” to any question asked of them, serious or not, and it can affect verbal, text and email communication. In the most severe cases, doctors have witnessed patients respond “Yee yee” to friends and colleagues. 

“It breaks my heart to hear it,” says Emma Dwarlisk, “These boys who I see as peers — as intellectual equals, even — are suddenly just incapable of saying yes, yeah, ya, ja, yup or okay. My boyfriend is going through it right now, and conversation has become all but impossible. When I asked him if he was doing alright after losing his job, all he could say was “yee.” In an especially difficult interview with an affected boy, who asked to remain unnamed, The Wire struggled to extract much information. Though we tried to understand what he was saying, all we could hear was a series of sobs, farts, snorts and yees. 

The administration has extended counseling and accommodation options to students who feel overwhelmed by the outbreak. While an anti-Yee vaccine does not currently exist, the Health Center says that washing your hands, not sharing drinks and staying off the internet should protect against the spread of the infection.