Valentine’s Day is coming up, and you know what that means: it’s time to forcibly define that blossoming relationship you’ve been tentatively cultivating. Two weeks in or four months in, the politics of choosing that perfect spot can be complicated. So I’m here today to guide you through the process, and make sure that you don’t make the mistake of heading out to Brasserie4 when you should have just stayed in. But be warned: your choice may have unfortunate implications.

Graze: It’s going to fall through. While you might have ordered a Sexy Time™ sandwich, your sexy time later on will be weighed down by the bacon, turkey and brie cheese you so unabashedly ate. Let me guess — you probably chose Graze because it seemed neutral enough, but what you didn’t know is that not taking the initiative clearly shows a lack of interest/compatibility that will most likely tank whatever you have going on. Sorry!

Brasserie4/Whitehouse Crawford: You’re probably disgusting together. I wish you the best on your gross quest to self-fulfill the statistic of 33 percent of Whitties marrying each other.

Patiss: Will you even be able to find a seat here with all those other Whittie on Whittie low-key dates in progress? You wanted to keep it as casual as possible, opting for an afternoon meetup over a sensual evening. But face it — this does not bode well for long term commitment. Maybe try Coffee Perk next time to avoid the insipid orgy of Whitman students fogging up the glass inside. There goes your ex with their new flame, maybe you can push two tables together and call it a double date.

Walla Walla Bread Co: You only have vanilla sex. Maybe you’ll make it past the four-month mark?

Taq: You and your date are very comfortable around each other, so congrats! You like good, cheap food and so do they. You might just make a go of things.

Making dinner at home: Wild card. Have fun hanging out with your housemates though, there’s nothing like having a sexy, private night in with your boo while three-fifths of your house loiters around the kitchen.

Cleveland: …….Precious.  (Mind the water buckets)

*Bonus round* Frat Valentine’s Day: I respect you, and thanks for not acting too self-important today. But while you’re getting it on later that night and hear the faint sounds of lonely brotherhood showers and people smoking weed, I’ll be praying for you.