Serious epidemic hits Whitman!


Illustration by Elena Kaminskaia

Anthony Reale, Campbell's Rat Noodle Stew

Something is gleaming brighter than snow this winter season, blinding the entirety of Whitman students. No it’s not the shiny rejection letters that seniors are receiving from potential jobs — it’s white boys’ legs!

No one knows how to stop these apparently fearless boys from failing to put on some fucking pants. The temperature hasn’t been above freezing for about a week, and yet, I lost vision in my left eye by accidentally looking directly at local Whitie — I mean Whittie — Josh Joshstopherson’s bare kneecaps.

Illustration by Elena Kaminskaia

This reporter reached out to CBS (that’s the Committee for understanding BullShit) to see they could explain this phenomenon. Unfortunately, all I received back was a haphazardly written note that stated plainly: “We don’t know why the fuck they do this — maybe they think it’s cool to lose limbs to hypothermia or die statistically the fastest. Don’t contact us again.”

The Whitman Administration has responded to this apparent medical crisis by pouring large portions of the endowment directly into the white boys’ trust funds. “It’s our business to strengthen existing structures of power that keep society stratified into a hellish food chain that keeps White Men in Shorts at the top,” said administrator Adam Minstration.

As far as campus morale goes, people seem to be staying strong. Some students have taken to crying in corners or burning books to stay warm in the library — which is surprisingly cold this winter season.

This reporter would like to offer some words of courage. We will seek to understand and prevent this sickness, this disease. We won’t rest until the epidemic has tactics to destroy all shorts in every students’ wardrobe. Whitman will prevail over white boys in shorts.