In a shocking twist, Whitman students’ beloved Colville Street Patisserie has made the infrastructural decision to replace all coffee with well water. But how, and precisely why, is the coffee shop heralded for its metropolitan feel departing from a business model that is already certifiably successful? Let’s see what Patiss owner, Kelly Michaels has to say about the switch:

“We just felt like in this neoliberal, consumerist society we were forgetting what we actually need as human beings. Did we have coffee back in ye olde days? Well I’m not really sure. But we definitely didn’t have paper currency with Andrew Jackson’s face on it.”

Her last remark is in reference to the cafe’s other big change, they will now only be accepting gold and silver coins minted with the king’s seal.

She explains, “The American dollar just isn’t a stable enough currency anymore, and I can’t have my livelihood suffer when the Walla Walla Christian Wars eventually come to a head.”

Although she is undoubtedly right about precious metals being perhaps the only money safeguarded in the event of a new Eastern Washington Crusade, loyal customers are now left to wonder exactly how they’re going to get their caffeine fix. Across campus, students have been left to unpack the distressing implications of Patiss’s change, asking questions such as: “how do I escape the Whitman Bubble now? Should I also be stockpiling for the impending bitter winter? And does this mean that I have to go to Starbucks regularly now and give my money to an unethical mega-chain with subpar croisssants?” The future is uncertain, but it looks like Patiss might be the first business of many attempting to emulate a pre-health care era and forgo modern luxuries that many take for granted these days, such as coffee, sweets and clean water. At press time, Michaels also detailed a long term plan that seeks to eventually phase out pastries as well and replace them with hard bread and mutton.

“We hope to implement these changes in the next year, but we know it’s not going to happen overnight. However, we are excited for what the future holds and hope that our customers will eventually recognize how the monarchy can right the wrongs of our capitalist society.”