Local bullying firm predicts return of “four-eyes” insult

CJ Fritz, Rapscallion

Trevor Mitchell is the CEO and founder of a cutting-edge bullying firm located in Seattle, Washington. The firm, named Wet Willie Solutions, uses top-of-the-line technology to track the latest trends in the bullying industry.

Mitchell, a former bully himself, is now a prominent douchebag in the Pacific Northwest with aspirations to change the bullying game forever.

“My company is revolutionizing the way bullies interact with their worthless victims,” Mitchell says. “We at Wet Willie want to maximize the damage of every attack, both physically and mentally. Try to keep up, numb nuts.”

Mitchell’s firm has developed a bullying training camp to combat the rising number of self-defense courses for students in the Seattle area. Such training camps teach how to fight someone far smaller than you, the correct angle to dangle someone over a balcony at and how to spot which pocket a target is holding lunch money in.

For more advanced bullies who have moved on from physical attacks, Mitchell has designed and patented a nationwide database which tracks trends in bullying on a daily basis.

“We’re really excited to see that ‘four-eyes’ is making a comeback,” Mitchell says. “Those nerds and their glasses have had it too good for too long, and our algorithm predicts that ‘four-eyes’ will be in the top five insults for the next two to four months.”

Local bully Kyle Collins was relieved to hear that “four-eyes” is coming back.

“I tried to branch out to bullying people about their favorite subjects in school or their parents’ divorce, but I had to think hard and it made my head hurt,” says Collins. “I feel a lot more comfortable knowing that I can count on ‘four-eyes.’”

While speaking to the Wire, Mitchell began tearing up. “I just wish my dad could see me now. I like to think he’s in heaven giving someone a massive wedgie.”