Whitman Wire

Eligible voter with access to ballot fails to vote, is plagued all the days of her life

Annelise Ellingboe, Nut Allergy's Cousin

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Local eligible voter Cynthia Resnin failed to fill out and mail her perfectly good absentee ballot in time for her home state to receive it within the election cutoff period, and is now doomed to suffer each and every day for the rest of her life. Due to the rollout of what God is calling THOU SHALT PAY, eligible voters who can easily access their polling places on election day but do not vote are to be part of a program in which the non-voters experience a kind of Hell on Earth. In Her interview with us, God told us that She was hoping that the program might spur eligible voters to their polling places on Nov. 6. “It seems like the current and looming political apocalypse may not have been enough to really get people out there and voting, so I thought it might be fun to add, like, a kind of mortal damnation kind of thing to the mix. Unfortunately, Cynthia did not heed My warning and is now doomed for the rest of her life. It’s not like the punishment is overly heinous though! Most likely, she will just experience low-level discomfort every second of every day until she dies.” For example, God said, “A member of the THOU SHALT PAY program’s jeans will always be damp, their warm beverages will always burn their mouth, when they blow their nose the Kleenex will always break so that snot gets on their fingers, their phone screen will always be shattered, their lips will always be chapped, they’ll get a paper cut any time they touch anything involving paper, their bowel movements will always be urgent, etc.” Although we did inquire, God did not feel at liberty to disclose whether or not the AntiChrist currently holds an elected position in the United States Government. The TSP program’s official start date was Nov. 7, 2018 at 12:00 a.m. exactly — so if your jeans are damp or you just shit your pants, you know what you did to deserve it.

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Eligible voter with access to ballot fails to vote, is plagued all the days of her life