Zumba Club Arrested Over Ritual Sacrifice Allegations

Anthony Reale, Dumpster City's No. 1 Food Critic

Last Tuesday, 34 sweatband-clad Zumba dancers were cuffed and booked at the downtown branch of the Walla Walla Police Department.  The dancers smiled the whole time, laughing about the various posters on the walls that have been up since 1964. It was such a joyous, raucous group that any passerby could have easily forgotten that these people were arrested for the repeated brutal murders of first-years.

There has not been much discussion of these sick individuals on campus–something that this reporter does not find surprising.  The Zumba club has always had a penchant for discreet actions. I mean, working out WHILE dancing? How the fuck did they sneak that in there?

“It appears that the Zumba club had been quietly indoctrinating first-years with their advertisements to ‘let loose,’ ‘kiss the face of the all-knowing deity that rules our universe and all universes throughout every plane of existence,’ and ‘firm your booty!’” said Walla Walla Police Chief Carol “CAROL!!!!!!” Jenkins.

This revelation was not surprising to the police chief.

“Yeah, you fucking hippies at Whitman really have no ‘weird shit’ detectors, do ya?  You just walk around, thinking ‘oh yeah, this cult’s the one for me!’ You know, if you were my kids, I’d [REDACTED FOR USE OF UPSETTING LANGUAGE THAT MADE THIS REPORTER RETCH UNCONTROLLABLY FOR FORTY DAYS]” Jenkins continued.

At press time, the Zumba club was awaiting trial in their holding cell, singing a song in a previously unheard (and potentially not human) language.  As the police chief flipped off the lights in the holding cell, all this reporter could see was the red glow of their eyes.

Illustration by Haley King