Big Toenail Shows No Signs of Giving Up

Maude Lustig, Foot Fetishist Fetishist

Lifelong Walla Walla resident Ralph Macchiato has certainly “nailed it…” when it comes to growing toenails that is. Hahaha. It has been 207 days since Mr. Macchiato has trimmed his toenails, and he claims that he is loving his new clipper-free existence.

“It’s just one less thing I have to worry about,” Ralph told the Wire.

He claims this all started when he accidentally dropped his toenail clippers behind his couch. Too lazy to pick them up, Ralph decided to forego clipping his toenails altogether.

“It hasn’t been too much of an issue. Most of my toenails stay pretty short on their own. But my big toenails – man, they are just unstoppable. It’s really beautiful to see nature at work like that,” Ralph said.

Ralph says that his extra-long toenails have a variety of uses. Most commonly, Mr.Macchiato uses them to open his packages and scrape dried gunk off the floor. Once, Macchiato even used his big toes to shave in lieu of razors. The length of his toenails does have some drawbacks however:

“They’re just like razor sharp, you know? I mean, my bedsheets are just clawed to shreds. And don’t even get me started on my socks. Holes in every pair. I had to learn how to darn them. I was like – is it World War II?” Ralph then chuckled to himself for several minutes before emitting a long and odorous belch. “World War II. Man, those were the days.”

Despite the inherent difficulties, Ralph is loving his new lifestyle, which he refers to as “cruelty-free” for some reason. But one thing’s for sure – Ralph has the eyes of a nation upon him.

Illustration by Ellie Flanagan