All campus statues to be retrofitted with speakers that endlessly blast “Business to Learn”

Anthony Reale, Corbin Bleu Impersonator

President Kathyannabellemonroegeorgiajohnnabetherine Murré’s tenure as leader of the College has hit its fourth year, marking a significant moment in the College’s history.  Every time a new president hits their fourth year in office, they are required by the Sweet Onion Blue Mountain Missionary Missionary We’re On Top International Treaty and Soup Recipe (or SOBMMMWOTITSR for short) to both mark their survival into their fourth year of power–suck it, mercenaries!–and to remind students that they will be eliminated if they don’t stay in line.

It appears that Murré’s choice has a hand in something she is fond of and in something that administrators love; for her project, she’s decided to retroactively outfit – or retrofit for you architecture buffs – every statue on campus with a non-intrusive device that both has the ability to record students’ conversations up to 1,000 paces and to continually blast Murré’s catchphrase: ‘business to learn.’

Students, upset with this invasive addition to campus, have attempted to stage multiple ‘red herring protests,’ including (but not limited to) Votesquatch, Saturday morning Zumba and eating in the all-new Reid Airport (formerly Cafe 66).  These protests have been struggling to cover any ground, as the leaders of the resistance keep ‘disappearing.’

“It truly is distressing that we have these tragic disappearances,” said Murré.  “But, we must persevere, as it is our business to learn – not our business to mourn.”

Here at The Wire, we welcome all changes that President Murré makes.  She is the overlord forever – regardless of if there’s a gun pointed at this reporter’s head while writing this or not.

Illustration by Haley King