Isaacs Construction Uncovers President Penrose’s Tomb

Arie Knops, Corndog Librarian

The Isaacs Avenue construction team made a shocking discovery early Monday morning as they uncovered stairs leading to President Penrose’s tomb. The excavation is ongoing, but the tomb appears to be modeled after King Tutankhamun’s in Egypt. Penrose often called himself “The King Tut of Whitman” after being named Whitman’s President at the age of 29, making him the youngest college president in the nation.

The tomb appears to sprawl beneath much of Whitman’s campus. The burial chamber lies directly beneath Penrose Library, and the treasury lies beneath Memorial.

The walls of the tomb are covered in stick figure drawings detailing Penrose’s 40-year reign as Whitman’s President, as well as copies of Penrose’s “Whitman Hymn,” written during his tenure as President. Like many other tombs, Penrose’s featured a variety of relics, like Whitman frisbees and a Whitman College bumper sticker.

“We are hoping this breakthrough leads to the discovery of the infamous Valley of the Presidents. This tomb is believed to be one of many under Whitman’s campus,” said Jindiana Jones, visiting Professor of Archaeology from University of Chicago. “President Chester Maxey’s tomb is said to hold at least one of the missing Faberge Eggs, while President Louis Perry’s is said to hold a copy of the Star Wars Christmas Special.”

Jerry Bruckheimer has already bought the film rights for the discovery of the tomb, under the title “National Treasure Three: In the Eye of Isaacs.” Nicholas Cage will be resuming his role as Ben Gates, whilst also playing the role of President Penrose.

The tomb will continue to be uncovered and is believed to push back the Isaacs construction completion date from fall 2056 to fall 2057.

For its discoverers, Penrose left a variety of messages. #WHITCITY and #GETWHITIT were engraved on multiple spots on the walls, and Penrose’s sarcophagus bore a three-word phrase, etched in eternity; “I should’ve divested.”