Divination Professor Already Aware of Students Cheating on Her Final

Winston Weigand, Tinder MVP

Whitman College has never offered a course on divination–the practice of fortune telling–until this year. In fact, no other schools of higher education have even considered it before.

“It was a risky move, we know. But we’ve all seen the Harry Potter movies. Magic is goshdarn real. If I want it to be real badly enough, then it will happen. I won’t stop until I succeed. I’m like Thomas the Tank Engine, but instead of being the figurehead of a children’s TV show, I’m the figurehead of an accredited college,” Whitman’s president remarked.

Beginning in January, the divination course taught students how to read palms, shuffle tarot cards and roll their eyes into the back of their heads. The professor in charge of teaching these fortune telling methods, Dr. Krystal Ball, has 40 years of experience in the field. She was born in a cave in an unmapped area of Romania, and since moving to the United States has predicted numerous events, such as Kim Kardashian’s sex tape and that time her neighbor left the front porch light on.

As we approach finals week, however, Dr. Ball has expressed concern over the structure of her final exam–she is worried that her students have already seen the answers in their chai tea lattes. The school’s administration is currently working together to find a way around this problem, but a solution has yet to be found. One employee has suggested shutting down the coffee shops on Whitman’s campus until next semester.

“No … NOOOO … The uprisings … No coffee means death … Death from the STUDENTS …” Dr. Ball said, her eyes rolling back into her head–evidently frightened about what students would do without caffeine.