Bon App Cultivates New Flavor Palate

Clara Wheeler, Cannonball

Illustration by Meg Cuca

Opening early next week, Bon Appetít will start rolling out a new meat to tickle the taste buds and ensnare the senses–human flesh. They are excited to introduce Whitman College to this new culinary experience that has been sweeping the nation. Critics have hailed it as the new “in” food, having subtle smoky undertones and a rich, full flavor. Bon Appetít mentioned that their priorities will, of course, lay in obtaining the most organic and humanely raised humans.

“Yep, only pesticide and growth-hormone free humans can sate the nation’s hunger,” said Human Farmer Bob, hitching up his overalls and sticking a piece of wheat in his mouth. “Organic flesh just tastes better and makes the consumer feel better about who, sorry, what they’re consuming.” Human Farmer Bob partnered with Bon Appetít after they put out a search looking for new, succulent sources of protein.

Human rights activists are protesting these new human flesh farms, saying that the cages are far too small to support a happy and healthy human and the environmental impact of raising a human to maturity is too great to maintain at its current pace. However, these complaints have gone largely unheeded due to the moist, mouth-watering and luscious taste of human flesh. Restaurants have already paired it with tacos, wrapped it in bacon and are even adding a bit of human flesh to a fresh arugula salad with grated Gruyère and a light balsamic reduction.

Bon Appetít is excited to put human flesh in pasta bakes, on top of pizzas and into leftover soup. Although this new protein source excludes the vegetarians and vegans at Whitman, many are leaving behind their old ways for the new scrumptious adventure of eating another person. The question on everybody’s mind is, “Are we allowed to bring in our own human?” Sadly, Bon Appetít is not accepting donations at this point in time.