In breaking news, NASA identified a new star early last week, a couple meters to the right of the sun. The star, named Alice Merkel, is a high-energy being “with just a celestial body,” scientists at NASA gushed. They described Merkel as having a very reactive personality, and she is very excited to finally shine in the spotlight. “I’m so happy that NASA discovered my talents,” she raved in an interview. “All the new work I’m doing–well, it’s a gas.” Merkel is expected to be around for the next 2.8 million years, and will star in Fast and Furious 12 next fall alongside Matt Damon.