Nate Silver Seeks Foreign Asylum

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer

Nate Silver, the man who was right about everything until he wasn’t, is reportedly seeking foreign asylum after angry mobs of Subaru Foresters arrived at his house to protest the rigged election results of the past week. Silver, the young pollster who predicted a 70 percent chance of a Clinton presidency, is facing backlash from the voters who had purchased too many “Madam President” stickers to go back now. As the free range eggs continued to rain down on his house and the crowd reached an incoherent, tearful fever pitch, Silver began frantically searching for obscure countries with lax asylum laws and white sand beaches to begin an early retirement.

In crafting a written appeal to the sympathies of foreign governments, Silver struggled to strike the right balance between desperate and pathetic. The first draft reads, “Please don’t make me take responsibility for this mess.” The draft was later amended to simply, “Please.”

When asked about the potential of moving to Canada, Silver flatly rejected the idea. “More white people with the potential to get obscenely angry at me? No thanks.” Silver continued by saying he was more in the market for a sparsely populated island nation with as little understanding of American politics as possible. Silver has reached out to Julian Assange and Edward Snowden with desperate pleas to “help a brother out,” with no avail.

As Clinton supporters continue to distinguish themselves from Trump supporters in their quest to indiscriminately place blame on strangers who disagree with them as the root of society’s ills, Silver has attempted several times to defend himself by pointing out that he did give Trump a 30 percent chance of winning. When asked about this prediction, members of the crowd answered me with a cogent medley of “NO,” “fuck you” and tears.

“After Tuesday, we’re noticing this strange new trend of voters actively disregarding fact, in favor of hyperbole and divisiveness,” Silver lamented. Silver’s website, FiveThirtyEight, continues to post content with a moderately defiant and forward-looking tone, but the asylum search continues. “I’ve got a few leads on a newly discovered island on top of a sea volcano, and I hear the South Pole research station always needs dish washers.”