Whitman divests from fossil fuels, invests endowment in Coltan mining operation in eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo

Ben Freedman, humor editor

Environmentally inclined Whitties rejoice! The years of hard work from Divest Whitman have finally paid off, and the board of trustees has listened to the call for climate justice. Effective immediately, Whitman College will divest its endowment from fossil fuel companies, and directly move the funds into a coltan mining operation located in eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo.

Brad McMurchie, chair of the Board of Trustees, quickly explained the logic behind the move. “Not only is coltan mining in the DRC lucrative, but it has no ties to the fossil fuel industry–none! With stable prices, fantastic returns and crippling human rights abuses at the mines, we truly are revolutionizing a new model for sustainable growth of our endowment.”

“Yes, coltan might be known as the ‘blood diamond of the DRC,’ but our new residence building won’t build itself now will it? Hell, we should have listened to our students and abandoned big oil years ago!” McMurchie added.

With such promise from divestment, the administration is looking into additional non-fossil fuel, socially conscious options to maximize endowment, including investing in the booming east China shark fin trade, and providing targeted cash assistance to World Bank structural adjustment programs.

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash
Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash