Jeb Bush Reportedly Doing a Lot Better


Illustration by Claire Revere

Trevor Lewis, staff writer

As an audio tape recording of Donald Trump making lewd remarks threatens to throw the Republican campaign into chaos, Jeb Bush was seen smiling contentedly from his gilded dog kennel inside the Koch Brothers’ family compound.

“He’s really doing a lot better these days.  We’ve been feeding him wet food from a can; hell, I’m even thinking of taking him for a walk on Saturday. Yep…I think we’ll get a few more good years out of little Jebby yet,” Charles Koch chided while instructing a tuxedoed Reince Priebus to refill Jeb’s water bowl.

“Sometimes we make him eat a page of the Wolfowitz Doctrine. He’s a purebred you know. It’s good for his joints,” David added.

“My name’s Jeb Bush! I’m a good little boy who likes to protect this country! The bad orange man hurt my feelings but now he’s in biiiiiiig trouble! I cut taxes three times in Florida! That mean man with tiny hands makes all the most repugnant noises with his mouth hole! Now he’ll never take the big desk my daddy promised me! My name is Jeb Bush,” Jeb exclaimed, breaking almost six months of incoherent mumbling since losing the New Hampshire primary to a reality television personality.

Paul Ryan could not be reached for comment but instead quivered silently in the fetal position, his pale, sickly flesh gyrating on the cold mahogany of Charles’ cigar lounge.