Local man uses Web M.D. to diagnose terminal ilness

Ben Freedman, Humor Page Editor

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Walla Walla – After noticing an unfamiliar pain in his stomach, local man Jim Tidmond decided to “play it safe and check out Web M.D.,” before self-diagnosing a debilitating terminal illness.

“It began last night,” began Tidmond. “I felt a strange pang in the corner of my stomach that was different from anything I’ve ever experienced before. When it didn’t go away for an hour, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands and figure that shit out.”

After a nearly four minute search on the online medical page, Tidmond reportedly fell deathly silent as the potential options began to surface. After much deliberation, indigestion just did not seem that likely. Instead, his symptoms matched with the only possible medical explanation: end stage renal failure. “Stomach pain, trouble sleeping, irregular bowel movements, it was all there. Hell I realized I had symptoms I wasn’t even aware of yet but that’s the miracle of modern day technology.”

“The toughest part was telling my wife…You know?” Tidmond noted that her stone cold composure when he told her the tragic news was a bit uncharacteristic of her and her questioning whether he “had any clue” about what he was saying was perplexing. “Regardless, I know she must be hurting when I’m not there.”

While tearing up in the midst of writing his will, Tidmond says he hopes to fall back on the love of his family to get him through these tough times. When confronted by his father’s grief, his son offered his condolences, noting that his dad is “such a fucking idiot,” and is simply “floored” how a man so “infuriatingly stupid can actually support a family.”

At press time, Tidmond noticed he had a peculiar itch in the back of his throat, and although he thought it was probably nothing, he would just take a peek online to make sure it wasn’t something more serious.