Retaliation Against Systematic Oppression of White Males

Clara Wheeler, staff writer

Whitman is known for its active student body, but one group especially feels that it has not received the recognition it deserves. The Whitman White Male Club will be hosting an all day protest next Tuesday. “We feel like recognition of the struggles that white men go through is underrepresented here at Whitman,” said Trent Johnson, an upper-middle class khaki covered Whit-Man. “Yeah, there’s so much struggle,” added Chad Thompson, dressed similarly but with a light but masculine pink dress shirt rolled up past his elbows. “We have to put up with so much prejudice. I get asked a lot if I work out. Nah bro. I just naturally look like this.” Chad looked at the ground sorrowfully, and Trent draped a supportive and bro-y arm over his shoulder.

Tragic indeed. And it’s not just Chad and Trent. More and more white male Whitman students are stepping forward with their stories of bias and hardship. “I’ve had people ask if I gel my hair, but I swear it naturally swoops up like this,” said Blake Richardson, adjusting his collar for maximum altitude. “Why don’t people believe me?” From the assumptions that they have listened to the latest episode of NPR, or watched the last TED talk or played lacrosse in high school, the challenges that white men face at Whitman are numerous. “And even if I am all caught up with the beautiful voice of Ira Glass, it’s not fair of people to make that assumption!” interjected Wyatt Jackson angrily.

Luckily, for all marginalized white people, the Board of Trustees is already working hard to fix the problem. “We had no idea it was so bad for white–I’m sorry, is it okay to use that word?–paler people in the world today,” said trustee Holli Miller. The Board had an emergency meeting to discuss ways to rectify the situation, and are now proposing new campus-wide programs to educate Whitman about white culture, “Such as … um … we’ll get back to you on that,” said Holli.

In the meantime, the protest is still scheduled for this Tuesday, encouraging students, faculty and staff to wear their favorite pastel colored polo shirts with the collars popped all day. It will culminate in a game of rugby on Ankeny and a Bon Appétit catered meal of pizza and cheap beer. All are encouraged to join in this celebration of culture.