15 Ways that a Thesis Lowers Your Standards


Austin Biehl, staff writer

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Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash.

  1. You pee sitting down just to have a brief moment of rest.

  2. You stop washing dishes and instead start eating off of other household objects.

  3. You commence an eight page research paper on the day that it is due because any document less than 60 pages seems very short.

  4. Three drinks of alcohol is basically the same as not having any alcohol that day.

  5. Walking from house to library is essentially your cardio for the week.

  6. Throwing clothes from one side of room to other side of room = putting away laundry.

  7. When a guy messages you back, you feel like you’ve made some serious romantic strides.

  8. You couldn’t find your best friend in time and instead sobbed into the shoulder of an old resident outside of Olin at 11:37 p.m.

  9. Doing the reading for one class is basically like doing the reading for all your classes.

  10. When you spend all day in the library and then spend your evening looking directly into a light bulb, pretending that it’s the sun.

  11. Weight gained in alcohol consumption is balanced out by weight lost due to severe stress.

  12. One shower every five days feels sufficient. The coat of sweat keeps away unwanted individuals who may distract from your work.

  13. Talking to someone at the water fountain for 3 minutes is your social life for the week.

  14. Rando research librarian smiles encouragingly when they see you around campus because they know your life is shit.

  15. You don’t dream anymore because you don’t really sleep. But when you do sleep, you dream about data analysis and wake up in a cold sweat and aren’t sure whether you are glad that you slept, or unhappy that you couldn’t even escape your thesis by being unconscious.