Aries           March 21-April 19

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So eat an apple. Keep eating apples. The doctors are coming for you.  Fruit is your only defense.

Taurus         April 20-May 20

Though you may be feeling cheery and fun-loving today, don’t act on it. Stay surly and the world will scowl with you. Act happy and the world will look at you with distrust.

Gemini                 May 21-June 21

Today is a good day for hugs. Give hugs to everybody! Embrace them! And then never let go. This person is your new life partner. Congratulations.

Cancer         June 22-July 22

You know that kid you have a crush on? The one that sits right next to you in that one class that you’re taking for distribution? The class that is making you wonder if your major is really what you’re interested in? Your major that will not land you a job out of college? Yeah, that kid’s not interested. You should move on. You can do better.

Leo               July 23-August 22

Someone close to you is in a real persnickety mood today. Not to name names, but you should steer clear of that kind of negative energy. Focus on your own chi, stretch and sacrifice a goat to make sure this day goes smoothly.

Virgo         Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Something big is coming your way. Like, blimp sized. It could be a literal blimp. You should probably watch the skies.        

Libra            Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Your lucky numbers are 4, 86, 31, 156, 7 and 5. Try switching up the ordering of the numbers and calling the result. Who picks up may surprise you.

Scorpio        Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Really, you might as well just stay in bed today. It’s going to be rough. I’m talking multiple stubbed toes, burned cookies and no more soft serve ice cream in Jewett kind of bad. It’s really not worth getting up. Just turn off your alarm, pull up the covers and go back to bed.

Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Start a new voyage today on the HMS Friendship–the only ship that will never sink.

Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan. 19

In making that tough decision, remember to follow your heart. Don’t let it get too far ahead, because it will rip out of your chest if you fall behind.

Aquarius   Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Look both ways when crossing the street. Then look up, for falling cars. Then look down, for subterranean cars. Then look within, for the cars within. Are you sure you’re ready to cross this street? Absolutely?

Pisces        Feb. 19-Mar. 20

Today is a good day to find your soulmate. They will be wearing an old shirt for a band that you’ve never heard of, pants that are just a little too long and rolled up at the bottom and a jacket they bought at a thrift store. Keep a sharp eye out.