Horrified Mitch McConnell Wakes Up From Nightmare in which Trump is the GOP Nominee

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer


Washington, D.C. —

Waking in a panicked, cold sweat early Wednesday morning, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell breathed an enormous sigh of relief after reminding himself that his nightmare about Donald Trump winning the GOP nomination was “totally impossible” and “just a dream”.

“C’mon Mitchy, get it together,” the prominent Republican legislator told himself as he took a few deep breaths, attempting to calm his racing heartbeat. “This is the same as when you were scared of monsters under your bed, and you grew out of that fear. They’re just not real, and neither is this.”

McConnell’s absurd recurring nightmare involves fleeting images of Donald Trump sweeping the Super Tuesday states and opening up an astonishing lead in his quest for the GOP nomination. More qualified and reasonable opponents often drop out of the race in the dream. According to the senior Senator from Kentucky, the terrifying dream just gets worse from there: it includes another scene in which thousands of old, white, male delegates chant “Make America great again!” as Trump walks onstage at the national convention, poised to accept the nomination amidst apocalyptic fires and flying pigs dotting the sky above. According to the Senator’s personal dream journal –which, incidentally, contains a number of dreams that feature the Senator as the long lost fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle – Trump typically goosesteps around the stage at this point, all the while throwing informational leaflets detailing average male penis size into the raucous crowd.

“That’s usually when I wake up,” McConnell said. This evening’s version of the dream, however, appears to have been far worse than normal. “Tonight, I didn’t wake up until right after Mr. Trump had actually accepted the nomination and announced David Duke as his running mate.” While Senator McConnell declined to confirm reports, sources within the household say that the most powerful Republican in Congress “definitely wet the bed a little bit.”

Said McConnell, “The great thing is taking solace in the knowledge that my party’s nominee could never be Donald Trump. I’m personally still pulling for Jeb Bush – now there’s a reasonable, electable conservative leader!”

At press time, the Senator had taken a shower, put on his favorite shell, and headed to the Capitol for a day free of the petty distraction of his nightmares. “I’m excited to be hard at work thinking about something that really matters: saving American democracy from its greatest threat – an Obama Supreme Court nominee.”